oh my god 16 days into the new year and i feel like i am still stuck in 2010. time passes by so fast i still need like 5 minutes to tell someone my age when they ask because it still feels like i am 18 (i am actually 20). has anyone the same problem?…. what a year to look back, although it was not really a year of big changes. it was more of a year of big growing. i grew a lot when it comes to my personality or my plans for my supercool future. and this is GREAT !!! what is not so great is that i did not reach all of my goals for 2016. buuuuuut i put them into the plans for 2017 and here we go 💃
the growing of my personality was something that really helped me a lot. since i always had friends in my life that put me down and showed me what i was not and what i do/did not need, it took me a loooong looong time to realize that the only one that can change something is myself. i guess my big mistake was always to just “get along” with it because “one day it will be better” and “it is not so bad”. but there was no ONE DAY and it obviously was BAD. i was always concerned about myself and a little bit lost. when my mum confronted me with the sentence “i want my daughter back, where is the old jenny” i was like “what does she need? i am here? can’t she see me?”. this was really hard to hear and i could not understand how i came there. and i can tell, when you start to question yourself it is really hard to find out who you really are, what you really need and who you want to be with. but i took big steps for myself. it was the time i needed to change something.
by all these breakdowns and searches for someone i used to be and someone i wanted to be again (but better) my boyfriend and my mother were always by my side. this is something i am so thankful for and something i can never give back but i know that they know how much that means to me. i might be still not where i want to be but i am nearer than i ever was. to come there i also had to lose something. and this something were also friends that did mean a lot to me. but it is better the way it is now. realizing that was also hard. you can put away an old sweater but how can you just put away a person that is in your heart? there is one way: just do it in a way you think that hurts fewest of all. i might not have used the best way by just cutting the contact and i think the person hates me now, but i am okay with that. for me it was the best way. this was a price i had to take to make it better for myself and for the other one (although the other one might still not understand).i needed it to help myself grow and get back to who i really was. i hope that the person is okay now, i hope the family is good and i wish all the best for the future and everything. i do not hate anyone. but realizing that some people do not need to stay in your life and get away from them to help yourself grow and maybe help them too is a step that many people are afraid of. i can only tell that i am still okay with it and also very sorry if i hurt them. i know that they will be okay. i know that all the people that are not part of my life anymore will make their way and i wish all of them that it will be great and they will fulfill their dreams. and one day these people will see that it was okay what i did to help myself. because one day they will come to a situation where they will also have to chose. for themselves or for the other one. and i hope they have the strength to chose themselves.
by winning there is always something you have to lose. the best way to win for both might not be the best for everyone to understand. your life is a book with chapters, some longer than others and some to just look back as good memories with good people but not more and not less. thank you for the times we spent together. thank you for the chapters to fill my book. i had a great time with you 2016. let it continue in 2017.
i now try to surround myself with people that help me grow or where the friendship just feels good. i also won a lot of great friends this year that i am so thankful for to have in my life. i am happy. and i hope that everyone i won and everyone i lost is happy too.
all the love from the 18…eh 20 year old Jenny, see you 💕