my dear friend envy

envy is my stalwart since i am a little kid. whether it was because of my mum or just because i had a bigger scoop of ice cream. somehow people used to always find something to be envious of. and that fact changed so much in my life…

some people must be envious because they just are and they do not really control it or do it on purpose. but i can tell the difference if someone does it because he/she does it with everyone else or if they do it because they want to be better than me, to hurt me. often there are situations where i cannot tell why they are doing it.  but the following stories have had a purpose and i still don’t know what it was or is.

the first form of envy is, when the other one not only wants the same things, but also does the same things….and that better than you (as they think). i also had such a friend (i know i am not good in having friends haha) that copied me. i had a photoshooting for my 16th birthday and some weeks later she had one too. i bought myself an iphone, at christmas she got one too. i wanted to study something, suddenly she wanted to study that too, and she was not even interested in it. the list is long. she never understood, that even when she tried to be me she never was me. she never had the same family. she never looked like me. she just was not me. but her envy made her feel that she thought she had to be like me. and that was not funny. it was sad that she tried so hard and on the other hand hurt me because i did not want to have a friend that tries to be a better me in doing everything i do. and i did not want to tell her something because i did not want to give her a reason to ape me. and what friendship is that ? instead of giving compliments, she just did the same like me. at some point this was really exhausting for me. we went our ways. we do say hello when we meet but not more. it is better that way. today i think what a big compliment it is that someone thinks she has to do everything like me because my life is so perfect and i am so perfect, that she makes such an effort in copying it.

a second story is one that hurt me really bad and i will never understand what her reasons were but okay there will always be things i will never understand. back in school we had an english test and the teacher said “half of the class failed but we will not repeat it” and i thought like “omg what if i was one of them”. then i got it back and it was a C and i was pretty proud because this was the best mark in this test and the test was quite hard though. and i was really happy and said “yes i got a C” (not loud. just like you say something when you eg. get chocolate and say “yes i got chocolate”). sadly my friend got a F. i did what i always do and talked to her, motivated her. there is always a way out of such situations. some weeks later our mums met and her mum said that back then i “laughed at her  daughter because she had an F” and when my mum told me that i was like WHAT. WHAT DID SHE JUST SAY TO MY MUM. i would never ever laugh at anyone for having a bad mark. that is cruel. i am not that type of person! hearing that hurt so much. because i wasn’t even worth telling it in my face. i guess she was just angry about herself. i do not know how she felt better in telling such a lie. and at that point my friend envy came into my life again and gave her a reason to make herself feel better in making me look like a mean bitch. and this is also not a friend.

so this is how two of my friendships sadly ended because of stupid envy. envy that was not eligible because i am not that person that makes a show about my life. i would never ever post a picture of my car to make people think “oh wow so nice i wish i was her let’s say something bad about her to make us feel better”. i never splurged in my life. i share everything with my friends. and try to not make them feel less because they do not have the same things like me, because they are not me.
i am envious too sometimes, i admit it. everyone is envious of something. you just always have to take care in how you show your envy and how others feel about their envy. envy is natural. but only the good one is useful. only the good one does not hurt anybody. i wish i was gigi hadid or miranda kerr and have her money and her body and her face and her hair and her fame. but i would never ever say a bad word about her just to make me feel better compared to her. in doing that you make your own personality less worth! you are what you are. the others are what they are. you do not need to change to become someone else. you will never be them! you do not need to seek for something you will never get. it is okay to be you. it is okay to be envious. not in hurting someone else, but in setting yourself goals. goals that you try to reach for yourself. so you do not have to be envious of anything that is happening around you. and be proud of what happened to you!

envy will never be out of our lives. most of the times you do not know all of the people that are envious of you. most of the people do not have the courage to say “hey i am envious, but i am also really happy that that happened to you”. but i have that. because i know how important it is to be honest in front of others. and i would never be like the girls i was talking of above. such things they did would never make me feel better. sure, there will always be “haters”. there will always be people that want to be you and sometimes they have no reason. for me i see no reason to copy me. okay, i might be happy and have everything i need. but happiness is something you cannot reach in being envious of something else. you can reach it in changing your life. i will never be gigi but i can try to become my own gigi. and not gigi but jenny. i can try to get my life so i am happy and have no need to be envious. i would never give anyone the chance to show them that i change just to make them happy. that is not the meaning of living. just try to make yourself happy, get you perfect body, enjoy life, dream and you will see that there is no need for envy. today i am spending my time on this blog and do not think of the people i lost. i use the time for myself now and do not waste it for people that are no real friends and do not take my friendship seriously.
all in all i would like to end with one sentence my mum always says to me since i am a little kid and which made me learn so much: “Sympathy one receives for nothing, envy must be earned.

J 💕

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